It was a fine spring morning and President Winfrey leaned back in her chair, taking a look around the Oval Office, and breathing a long sigh – half relief, half sorrow. Yes, she had a multitude of difficulties and problems to deal with, but today – the 100th day of her Presidency – she was determined to enjoy.
The celebrations were due to kick off shortly, with a number of carefully selected guests, a handful of schoolchildren and members of the media invited into the Oval Office to watch her speech, which was being broadcast across the nation. This would then be followed by a party in the afternoon in the Rose Garden, and then a concert and fireworks in the National Mall to round off the day.
In fact, she’d just that moment finished up a meeting to discuss some of the arrangements for the concert with her newly appointed Secretary for Culture and the Arts – Madonna. The two of them had discussed what was billed in the media as a line-up of unsurpassed cultural quality – Beyoncé, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and of course Madonna herself would all be performing – and President Winfrey had been particularly impressed with Madonna’s own stage concept, which was to make the whole thing in the shape of a sort of big pink blobby thing.
Prior to that meeting, the cameras had been present to record the signing of a couple of executive orders. The first was an order to tear down the half-mile of wall that had been erected along the Mexican border during the last month of the Pence Presidency; the second was an order for the construction of a bridge where the wall had stood. The bridge wouldn’t actually be going from anywhere in particular. Nor would it be going to anywhere in particular. It was simply there to symbolise the Winfrey Presidency and the dawning of a new era; from now on bridges, not walls, would be the thing.
As she looked across her desk, she noticed that Madonna had thoughtfully placed one of her campaign baseball caps in front of her, facing outwards so the cameras would film it during her speech later that morning. She picked it up and looked at the front. “Make America Love Again,” it said. She smiled. The original slogan had been “Make Americans Love Everyone”, but this had become mired in controversy when a number of feminist groups had threatened to withdraw their support for her on the grounds that it formed the acronym MALE, which they said was completely unacceptable in this day and age and “reeked of the patriarchy”. And so at candidate Winfrey’s insistence, after a heart-wrenching and tearful speech in which she apologised for any offence that had been caused, it had been changed to “Make America Love Again”, which had quickly put a stop to the controversy.
Looking at the hat also reminded her of her crushing election defeat over her Presidential rival. Of course other than his diehard fans, nobody had really expected Chuck Norris to win. To be frank, the odds were stacked against him, especially since he had only announced his decision to run at the 11th hour, after President Pence was forced to drop out citing reasons of ill health.
What had happened was this: Exactly one month before the election, President Pence had been hit with a series of lawsuits from seven women, each of them alleging that his decision to refuse to meet alone with any woman other than his wife and daughters – known as the “Pence Rule” – was both sexist and discriminatory, since it implied that all women were sexual predators who were not to be trusted, and it also infringed on their rights to dine with anyone they wanted to. Their lawsuit claimed that his actions were totally incompatible with the modern era, and a violation of their rights as independent women to live fulfilling lives. This has apparently caused them undue stress, loss of earnings due to time off work, and harm to their self-esteem. So Mr Pence had dropped out of the race, but interestingly since his announcement the cases had apparently been dropped. At least nothing had been heard of them in the media ever since.
Chuck Norris was of course the obvious candidate to fill the Republican void, and his stepping up to the plate at the last minute had given rise to a plethora of new memes, such as “Other candidates have to run for the Presidency. Chuck Norris just strolls.” However, his campaign turned out to be a disaster. For a start, his critics openly mocked his “Make America Magnificent Again” slogan, on account of it forming the acronym MAMA. Worse still, just a week after he announced his candidacy, the FBI began an investigation into his alleged collusion with the Russian Government, based on his once having appeared in a Mountain Dew commercial with Seven Segal, who now had Russian citizenship. Congress then launched its own investigation, demanding that Twitter and Facebook hand over details of the Russian plot to get Norris elected. What they uncovered was that three of the new Norris memes had originated in the Vladivostok region, which was held up as definitive proof of collusion and had resulted in a new round of sanctions.
As for former President Trump, he continued to refuse to accept that he was no longer President, and his daily routine of sending out furious Tweets continued from the prison cell he’d been residing in ever since his impeachment and successful prosecution for inadvertently revealing the US nuclear codes to Kim Jong Un. The North Korean leader had goaded Trump in a statement saying that “the mentally deranged dotard’s handlers have no doubt given him a fake nuclear code”, and in a rash and angry response to prove him wrong, Trump sent out an early morning Tweet saying that “my nuclear code is much bigger than Little Rocket Man’s”. However, when he realised that he’d actually sent the code itself in the Tweet, he first tried to delete it, but upon realising that the whole world had by then seen it, followed it up with a series of cryptic messages to Kim using anagrams of the word Covfefe to try and make it look like he was playing some kind of game of 4D chess and knew what he was doing.
By 5 to 11, the Oval Office had been filled up with the invitees, and the cameras were all set. As everyone stood waiting for proceedings to begin, over in the corner of the room Secretary of State Clinton was furiously tapping out a Tweet calling for Assad to go. Assad, however, didn’t seem to be going anywhere, having recently won another huge majority in the 2020 election, after his huge victories in 2018 and 2019 (elections had been held every year at the insistence of the US government which refused to accept the results). And so Secretary Clinton was firing off an angry Tweet making it clear that it didn’t matter how many times the Syrian people elected Mr Assad, they deserved a future without him: “Assad must go. Now. He really must. Although the beautiful people of Syria elected him, they don’t deserve to have elected him President and they must be allowed to decide their future without him.” She concluded with the now familiar ending that all members of the Winfrey Government ended their Tweets with – “#HateDiesWhenLoveLives”.
Over on the other side of the room, Secretary Clinton’s mother, Hillary, was busy trying to engage some of the schoolchildren with excerpts from her latest book, “Seriously, What Happened?” – the third and final part of the “What Happened?” saga. The second one – “What Might Have Happened!” – had been a PR disaster after her attempts to blame Russian trolls for giving the book hundreds of 1 Star reviews on Amazon backfired when it was revealed that she had employed her own team to give it hundreds of 5 Star reviews. But as the children seemed more interested in looking at America’s first female President than hearing her regale them with tales of how she’d been denied her birth-right, she shed a little tear and wondered at what a hard and unfeeling world it was when even children appeared not to care about what she’d lost. “Hard and unfeeling. Yes, Precious,” she muttered to herself bitterly.
Suddenly, 11 o’clock struck. President Winfrey looked up at the cameras. As the broadcast went out to homes across America, she began by calling the children over to her. Hugging each child one after the other, she told them how much she loved them, they told her how much they loved her. She then handed each of them a little rainbow coloured bridge as a memento to take home with them, and then they all looked up into the camera to tell the nation that together they would “Make America Love Again”.
As the last child left her embrace, she turned to the cameras once more and began to address the nation:
“Good morning America. Thank you for tuning in to hear me speak on this, my 100th day in office, from our nation’s beloved capital, Wishington DC.”
Renaming the capital had been one of President Winfrey’s first executive orders. After more than 200 years of being named after George Washington, she had made it a campaign pledge that if elected, she would rename it, on account of George Washington’s ownership of slaves. However, in order not to cause too many difficulties, it had been decided to change just one letter, and so Washington had now become Wishington: The Place Where All Your Wishes Can Come True.
Somewhat predictably, the move had not gone down well with millions in the country, and when Congress signed into a law a bill stating that the name of any street, building or town could be changed if it was named after anyone deemed to have values that “have no place in the 21st Century”, it had set off a chain of events that had led to mass rioting, and several states indicating that they would be looking to secede from the Union. America was on the brink of civil war, and it was now up to President Winfrey to try to restore calm:
“People of America. I know how you hurt. I know how we all hurt. And I feel your hurt. And your pain. And I want to heal it. But there’s only one way we’re going to heal our divisions. And that’s through love. And bridges. Two things. We need love, and we need to build bridges. And that is why I am going to be signing an executive order for the building of over a thousand new rainbow bridges across the nation. Let them be symbols: Bridges of hope. Bridges of love. Bridges that bring healing to our nation.
But love and bridges aren’t enough. We need more. Which is why I’m declaring tomorrow to be a new national holiday: The Day of Empathy. I want it to be a day when we take the time to sit down and listen to one another. Don’t hold back. Pour out your hearts to one another. Tell each other what’s on your minds. Tell each other why your heart aches. Empathise.
I’ll also be calling on Congress to approve a new military budget reaching $1 Trillion for the first time, so that we can protect our nation, our values and our way of life.
Together with our bridges, our empathy, and our military protecting us as we sleep, I am convinced that we can Make America Love Again.
May the god you believe in, whoever he or she or they or it are, bless Am…”
Unfortunately, the end of her speech was never heard across the country. Across Wishington DC, the power was down due to rioters blowing up the electric grid. And so the following day, President Winfrey met with her national security advisers to discuss which country they should place the blame on and how soon they could go to war against them for this “attack on our values and our way of life”.